When you get to a certain age, the need to be in a relationship starts to become very important, necessary or even convenient. If its not by yourself, its by those around you. This is very ironic seeing as when you’re little, especially if you’re a girl, the idea of being in a relationship is not met in the same glory as it is when you’re at least 18. I’m not saying this is the same for every child, just maybe the norm for most. It most definitely was for me.
When I was younger, boys were banned. Practically. I’m not really sure how my dad felt about me possibly being in a relationship, but for my step-mom, it was a definite no. Boys were basically off limits, which was very ironic seeing as majority of my friends were boys. Majority of my friends still are boys! I didn’t even really realise this until my 20th birthday when I had people over to celebrate, and majority of them were guys. It’s not even on purpose. I think I just naturally get along better with guys. Whether my step-mom realised this or not, it’s almost like she made it her duty to try and keep me away from them. When I was younger, I can’t even remember what age, I remember her telling me off for talking to one who was genuinely my friend. It was after church and I was waiting in the car to go home. He saw me and came over. We were literally talking waiting for our parents. He wasn’t even in the car, he was outside! When she saw him, she told him to immediately got to his parents, and on the drive home, she told me off the entire way. After that, every time we went to church she tried her best to keep an eye an me. I felt like I literally had to be by her side 24/7. Even though my dad told her that we were only talking, she didn’t let up. She is very overprotective though so that could also be why. However, it didn’t work. I worked my way around it until I’m sure she forgot.
I find it funny now though, because when boys are brought up in relation to me, its not met with the same negativity. My sisters always joke about it with me, but I always shut it down immediately. There was one time though when my step-mom and I were going shopping. During the drive, she randomly asked me if I had a boyfriend. When I tell you I was caught my too much surprise. Firstly, this wasn’t a joke by one of my sisters, it was coming directly from my step-mom. Secondly, it was just me and her. Thirdly, I could tell that she was being so serious and that I better come correct. Most importantly though, it sounded genuine like she wanted to find out and get to know this guy. Unfortunately, no such guy existed, so that ship sailed and sunk. I did realise though that it was ‘that time’. I realised again when I had an intervention with my step-mom, one of my sisters and my dad, except I didn’t know it was one until my dad came. It could have all been spur of the moment, but my dad had never spoken to me regarding anything about relationships and boys. This wasn’t no little thing either. They were basically telling me how to spot a genuine guy who’s interested, from one who isn’t. All without my warning.
That’s the thing now though. I’m 20 so relationships almost feel like a common topic these days. Not to mention everyone seems to either be in a relationship or be pregnant. And then there’s me. I get asked sometimes if I’ve ever had a boyfriend. I don’t count those in Secondary School, so the answer is a no. This usually gets the swift reaction of ‘how could you not have had a boyfriend?’ Even if it’s not verbally said, their face definitely says it. I’d like to think that there are many reasons, but I think the most obvious one would be due to a past experience. This experience is not something like physical abuse or anything like that, just something significant enough to affect my life. It has affected my life in in the worst way. For example, I don’t deal with things properly. I just bottle it up and push it the back of my mind. I don’t tell anyone about anything really personal that’s going on in my life. That could be because I’ve never actually had that person to talk to or because it’s how I dealt with that experience. Whatever it is, it’s not benefiting me at all. And in regards to boys, I practically have a wall up.
In my head it’s there to protect me. At least that’s what I used to think. Recently, I’ve started to think that I have this wall up because I’m scared. I can get attached to people quickly, so I would have a wall up because it would keep me from getting attached to people coming in my life. If they were to come and then leave, because I hadn’t really let them in from the beginning, by them leaving, it wouldn’t hurt me as much. However, its starting to take the opposite affect. I feel like because I’m so focused on protecting myself, I’m not able to realise when someone genuine is actually in my life. You could give me all the signs in the would, but if you don’t explicitly tell me, I won’t get it. Sad because I may have just ruined something. In fact, I have ruined it. I could be wrong, again because I’m scared of what the outcome would be, but I have a very good feeling that I’m not.
I had a friend who may have just been interested in me. People used to call us ‘cute’, but I never let myself believe it. I always shut it down, even in front of him. In messages, any sign of affection was one sided, because I never showed it back. I never let myself think of him as more than a friend. His best friend asked me once if I could ever see us together. My reply was too quick, but I realised straight after that I didn’t really have a reason for saying no. It was just my ‘go to’, and has been, for everything. She carried on by asking me what I liked about him. It was then that I realised that I did. I loved everything about him. He was different. The thing I loved most was the way that he treated people, girls in particular. He had respect. But now I know that all my defences have just hurt me more than they would have, if they weren’t there. I may have even lost a friend.
We don’t talk anymore, not like we used to. We used to speak everyday. Some days it would be facetime, WhatsApp and calls, all in one day. I even used to always be at his house. Now its none and I haven’t seen him for at least a month. I feel that its because of me. I think I shut it down to many times, but he probably just got tired. I could still be wrong, but from speaking everyday to not speaking at all, it’s the only thing that really makes sense to me. I need to change the way that I deal with things. This is not even specifically for relationships, but because me bottling up my issues is only gonna hurt me in the long run. It may feel good at the time, but that comes with a breaking point. Something that I don’t want to reach.
Relationships. A requirement for adult life. Society makes it seem like there’s something wrong with you if you’re not in one. But that’s wrong. Life is what you make it, not how others think you should. I saw something today which says, ‘accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself’. My new motto, because it’s true. You can’t live by other people’s expectations otherwise you’ll never truly be happy. You have to live for you. I can’t lie though, this single life can be boring, but it’s not the end of the world. Far from it.
I eat cake 