It was fun at first. ‘Fun’ probably isn’t even the best word. Happy. I was happy. It was a different kind of happiness though, at first anyway. I was loving the space I was in. It was new, it was inviting, it was mine. But when things started to change, why didn’t I let it go?
I’m someone who doesn’t like to be in confusing situations. I need to know exactly what is going on, so that I know what I’m doing. I guess I need that certainty, that reassurance, that confirmation, but I’ve never gotten it, not in this situation anyway. I still carried on. I guess I was lost in the sauce. There were so many things that I liked about the situation, that helped me to overlook the bad. The red flags. The signs telling me “Girl! It’s time to keep it stepping.” I held on when I really shouldn’t have. I got more invested. I let things slide, because of that part of me that didn’t want to let go. That soft part that was doing it’s best to see the best in everything. That soft part that allowed me to get to where I am now. Maybe not in the same place, but definitely worse. Why didn’t I let it go?
I had a break I guess. I had time to get my thoughts together and look at the situation for what it was. Not the best and probably not what I needed in my life. For at least 4 months, I was free of that situation. I wasn’t blinded by what was happening, by what was making me smile. I could see now. I could see clearly. I guess I missed it though, because I went back. I went right back and opened that door again. Probably even with more hopes this time, but hopes just the same. It was good, as good as it could be, until something happened. I messed up I guess, and that door was closed for me. I thought that was it. I hadn’t meant for this to happen. It happened without my consent. I even felt bad, and couldn’t be mad with the door being closed for me. It was closed, and in my head there was nothing I could do.
I moved on and another door opened. It was better than the previous one before. With this one, I felt more relaxed, comfortable and probably more like myself. I didn’t have to force anything or not do anything, I could just be me. This happiness was great! It felt better. I didn’t delve into it as much as I did with the previous one, but when I was the only one standing in that doorway, it hurt so much. Instantly, and with no warning, I was left standing there alone. I should have just closed it and walked on, but I wanted to fix it or at least understand why. In the midst of all this, the previous door opened itself up again. I should have closed it. I was passed this. I was sad that it had ended like that, but I had moved on. Whatever had held me before, was no longer holding me again. I had finally let go. But no, I opened that door wider. With the new door becoming more lonely and the old door becoming more friendly, the comparison was too great! With door number one, I was the one in the wrong, but yet it was opening back up. With door number two, I had done nothing, and yet it was closing quicker and quicker.
Eventually shut, I guess you could say I walked right back into number one. Why? I now have no idea. Well I wanted to make amends I guess, but I should have done that and kept it stepping. Instead I didn’t, and all those old hopes came rushing back, as if I asked them too. Things did seem better. New things came up, which had never come up before. It made me think that things had changed, hopefully changed for the better, but changed nonetheless. Green flags. That’s all I could see. Until they quickly became amber, and now I feel they have turned to red. I’m not in the same place as before. I’m in a place that is much worse. I struggle so much to close the door when it needs to be closed, and in spite of everything, I’m still holding it open. I’m still giving it the chance to be filled with all the happiness that I once felt before. Why? I should have just let it go. I had the chance, I took it and I shouldn’t have gone back on my decision. But I did, and now you’re saved in my phone as: ‘Gotta Let It Go’.
I eat cake 