Deuces

I’d had enough. I’d reached my breaking point, so I blew up. It wasn’t that big, but I did, and you just left it. You didn’t even ask any questions, blow up back. Just left it. Left it to marinate till there was no going back. It wasn’t even all your fault why I blew up as well, but still, I didn’t expect that reaction.

Things get to me on a regular, driving me up the wall so high, making the fall so much harder. But that day? It was the worst it had been in a while. My day had literally just started, and I was already over it. In the midst of all that I messaged you. I could have messaged anyone, but I chose you. You. I don’t even talk about my feelings. I don’t really open up. I mean I’m working on it, but I’m still at the beginning stages. For some reason however, I ended up telling you. I didn’t go into detail, but what I said was enough. More than what I would ever really do, yet still a lot for me.

Now I don’t really know what response I was looking for. I wasn’t really looking for anything specific, maybe just some encouraging words, but definitely not what I got. The funny thing is that what was said to me wasn’t even wrong. Lol. It was actually right. But there is a time and a place for everything, and that really wasn’t the time. It just made me even more upset. So I blew up. Like I said, it was nothing major, but I guess it was enough, because I received no reply. Nothing. Narda. Not even an emoji. Just breeze. Leaves blowing. Air. Plenty of air. Like what? How very dare you! How can you just leave like that? Not even get at me for blowing up? Cuss me out, tell me off, something for flip sake. But no. I got nothing. Like, wow!

It just begs the question, why have I stayed in this situation for so long? There are so many better people in my life. Genuine, thoughtful, great people, but I chose to put up with you and your bullshit. I would love to say it’s because I don’t like cutting people off. Maybe not even that I don’t like it, I genuinely find it hard. But I needed to this time, I mean it’s been a long time coming. A very long time coming! Like I have no words. We’re not even in the same space, but yet I’m still here. What the hell is wrong with me?

Maybe I needed that though. That push to get me out of that situation. I mean I haven’t thought about it or you since that day, until now. I nearly deleted your number, definitely archived your chat, and I’m not even bothered. I might actually just be happy. 3 years and I finally don’t feel stagnant anymore. I can happily close that door. There’s nothing I miss, nothing I regret. I’m just good. No hard feelings, I actually have love for you, but only enough to love you from a distance. No need to be petty and go through all that deleting stuff. I just wish you well. Besides, there may just be a new door to walk through. Who knows?