‘Mug’

Do I have ‘mug’ written on my forehead? I’m really starting to feel like I do. Just as I feel like everything is going alright, something has to happen. Like I know life ain’t smooth sailing and all that, but this just feels like too much now. There has been so many times, that I’m now scared when things just feel too perfect. I don’t even like to speak too much on things, because every time I’ve done that it’s just gone left. This is even ironic seeing as I’m really on this ‘speaking things into existence’ distin.  It’s almost like I’m waiting for something bad to happen.

I’m in a situation that was going well, great even. The funny thing is that I was literally having this exact conversation with one of my friends, just yesterday. In fact I said to him that ‘it’s almost like it’s too perfect’. He however turned what I said into a positive and made it seem like that’s not a bad thing. I left that conversation feeling all happy and excited, pleased even, but now I just feel like I jinxed myself. In the night I went out and what I thought was a happy situation, instead felt like a negative one. I had to even ask myself if I was being silly or in other words, ‘moving mad’. Like were my feelings rational given the circumstances? I don’t think that I’ve ever felt like more of a dickhead, it even brought me to tears.

Most people know this about me, but for those who don’t know, I’m a very closed off person. I don’t let anyone in. I keep myself to myself to the point where people will never really know what I’m feeling. I’m that person that when asked how they’re feeling, will say that they’re fine when they’re clearly not. I could be standing in front of you in tears and I would still tell you that I’m fine. There’s a saying of some sorts that says that ‘those with the biggest smiles are the ones struggling the most inside’. Now that’s not exactly what it says, but you get my drift. That saying was made for me. Someone said it to me and I really see why. There’s so many things that bother me, so many things that bring me to tears, but I’ll put it to the back of my mind and walk around with the biggest smile on my face. It’s not something that I’m proud of, it’s just something that I now subconsciously do.

‘Why’ you may ask. It’s quite clique to say, probably why I don’t acknowledge it, but I feel that it all stems from my Mum. During that whole situation I spoke to no one about how I was feeling or what I was going through. I kept it all to myself. The only thing that I would do, was cry. For example, my Mum used to read me stories before I went to bed, stay with me until I fell asleep, and when I woke up she’d be gone. I had become so used to this routine that when it drastically just stopped happening, all I could manage to do was cry myself to sleep. I don’t know why I didn’t just ask my Dad to do it; I guess it just didn’t feel the same. Anyway, from then I got into the habit of keeping all my problems to myself, with crying being my only way of letting anything out. Crying, bottling things up and putting it to the back of my mind became standard. In the midst of all that, I guess I started to feel like no one would have my back in the way that I would. I could control my situation better than anyone else could, so why would I want to let them try?

Fast forward to now, I guess you could say I’m scared to be vulnerable and let people in. Actually no scrap that. I am scared. Being vulnerable is scary. You’re basically letting people see the picture that’s not as perfect. The picture that’s ripped, broken in places or maybe even with missing pieces. You’re letting people see the real you. That shit, scares me! I think it’s scares me just as much as being all mushy and soft makes me uncomfortable. But the funny thing is that I wanted to change all this, because there is no way I can go through life and be like this forever. So, would you imagine that I actually started letting my guard down. Baring in mind this is years of habits that I have to undo, so it’s not gonna be instant, but I had actually started doing it and it felt good.

And now I feel like a dickhead. Lol. How did I get here? Drastic right? And you know when you’re listening to music and a song comes on where you can relate to every single word? LOL! Making me feel like an even bigger dickhead *inserts rolling eye emoji* (Yes I wrote it instead of putting it. Why? Because I felt like it). I just feel that I could have prevented all of this if I just kept myself to myself like I always do. This feeling that I now feel or have been feeling, would not be here. In saying that, there’s not even any point of me thinking that. All the shoulda, coulda, woulda’s in the world could never change my current situation. I’d actually only be hurting myself.

I don’t need this man. I just need more positive things in my life. I mean for flip sake, your girl just graduated! With a 2:1 at that! I conquered those 3 years, even when it tried to kill me, and graduated. I’m now back at uni, about to kill myself again and do a Masters, but the fact that I’ve even reached this stage is a blessing. Furthermore, I need more positive things to write about! I’ve actually had enough. My life ain’t all that bad. My blog needs to actually start showing that! All the ‘sunshine and rainbows’ needs to just bless my page ASAP, because your girl is blessed. I mean my life could have gone completely left. I could have taken all the negatives in my life and ran with them. I could have not even reached to the place that I am in life. My life could have been completely different. Literally. But it isn’t, and for that I’m thankful.

‘Mug’ though. Lol. This is a whole joke!