Realisations

For the longest while, I thought that I was emotionally detached from a situation. It’s almost like I thought I was just in it for the fun and enjoyment. I’ve kept myself to myself for the longest while, not letting people in, that I guess I really thought that I was emotionally detached. In actual fact, I think it’s just that I’m scared to admit things to myself, out of fair that the outcome won’t be what I want it or wish it to be. It’s almost like I’ve been hiding myself from the truth for so long, that the truth has started to come out without me even realising.

I started this blog to write about things that I can’t or struggle to say to people, or just simply out loud. A lot of the things have been very similar in more ways than one, but somehow being different. It’s what comes to mind, what I’m feeling at the time or what I’m feeling about a certain topic.

Ok. Minds gone blank. What am I actually trying to say?

I was going through all my drafts; the entries that I had started and didn’t post or just simply didn’t finish. At some point in that folder, I had written three consecutive entries about something that was going on in my life and how I felt towards it. With each entry, you can tell that I really liked the situation. Ok. For once I’m gonna stop using ‘situation’ instead of ‘guy’. So for one of the entries, I had just finished my final exam of the year. A wonderful but confusing feeling, because you’re free and can do all the things that you were doing before, but without feeling guilty. Yet the enjoyment is never quite what you pictured or imagined. For example, you can watch all the shows you want. Yet when this time actually comes, for me anyway, it’s one of the last things that I want to do. I actually get tired of it very easily. So back to my exam. I didn’t want to watch anything. I instead, and I quote, wanted to ‘call him, talk about it, not talk about it, chill or just be in his company’.

Now looking at that, any normal, regular person, someone who has sense (which is clearly not me) would have said that I liked the kid. However, if you were to ask me at that moment or even a little while after if I liked him, I’m sure I would have told you that I don’t know. This actually happened and I was asked if I was bird, because for every question, my answer was that ‘I don’t know’. My default for a lot of things, which is also a problem. How could I not know when I was writing things like that. ‘Just be in his company?’ Flip. Even a blind man would be able to see what was going on!

Yet, would you believe that it took taking a break from that situation, for me to really realise how much I liked the kid. Bro?! What the actual hell? I could have been over all of this if I had just confronted my feelings from a while ago. I mean it’s been just over 6 months, and I’m only just realising this now. The maddest thing is that there probably isn’t even any going back, at least not completely. To be fair, it was never going the way that I wanted, which is probably why I didn’t confront my feelings. I just ignored them for as long as I could, until I couldn’t do it anymore.

You see, I had seen something happen right in front of me that helped me put everything into perspective. It wasn’t even anything major, but it was enough to get the ball rolling. I had that unwanted conversation, and I’m now taking a break. There’s a lot of things that I’ve been second guessing, thinking about, overthinking about. I guess me just tryna get over it has had my mind doing the absolute most. I even did something that I wouldn’t usually do, and I’m still quite shocked that I did.

I guess the point of this post is that, I can’t believe it took me this long to realise something that was literally staring me in the face. Especially seeing as I now just have to get over all those feelings, and move on. Lol life eh?

Imagine ‘Forever Don’t Last’ by Jazmine Sullivan is even playing on my Spotify. Lol! What is life please?