Question 4

How has loss shaped your identity?

Lol. Where do I even start?

Put simply, it’s been 21 years and I’m still living in survival mode.

21 years and I’d say for the most part, I’ve been existing rather than living.

21 years and that little 7 year old girl is still trying to heal.

Losing mum led to shutting down, bottling things up, believing I always had to be strong, not wanting to lose control, abandonment issues, feelings of neglect and being fearful of getting too close to others. It led to trust issues, low confidence, shyness, desiring perfection, learning how to compartmentalise and the list just goes on. I started being quite negative about things, thinking of all the worst case scenarios before anything positive. I didn’t get to prepare myself for losing mum, because I didn’t think it would happen. Now? I was gonna do everything I could to not get caught slipping; get out before I got hurt again. The loss broke me and I’ve always said a part of me died when she did. My world stopped when I learnt in the worst possible way that people don’t stay in your life forever. That joyful innocent girl was now fully aware of how horrible life can be. So my identity? I’d say it started being about surviving rather than living, being half present and half in the clouds. A huge hole was left in my heart that I’ve never been able to fill and honestly, I don’t know if I ever will.

In a lot of ways I feel like I’ve honestly struggled with my identity. I was even once asked if I have a mask on, but I said ‘no’. I didn’t think I did, but now truthfully, I probably have. A lot of me has been wrapped up in this loss without much guidance in how to navigate it. As I said before, everything else in my life was taken care of, but the emotional side. An only child with an emotionally unavailable dad meant I had to figure it out on my own. And that’s no shade to him. He was grieving just like I was and maybe what he did was the best he could do. But it meant that I struggled in more ways than one, and learnt how to hide it from most people, making it seem like everything was alright when it wasn’t. Full disclosure? I still do that now.

Loss led me to music though and is probably what kept me from being a complete wreck. All of mum’s music went to me and I got her CD player. Donnie McClurklin, The Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir and CeCe Winans became my people. There was even a whole record collection that I always thought was dad’s, but I later learned that every single one of them belonged to my mother. You see, I thought that love for music only came from dad. Dad was the one who sang in groups, choirs, played the guitar, trying his very best to get me to play the guitar and the piano. Dad was the one who even wanted me to study music all the way up to uni. Another one of my favourite pictures of us was taken at church with me singing and dad playing his guitar, whilst looking up at me so proudly. Mum on the other hand? I don’t even know if she could sing. However, right now her guitar is sitting comfortably in my cousins front room in New York. She might not have been able to sing, but apparently she could at least play a little.

Now me? A lot of what I do is related to music.

Last year alone I spent more than half my life at rehearsals, for many different reasons, but for the most part I think I was just happy to be there. At this point, I think music has kept me in church the most because it hasn’t been my relationship with God. That there relationship has been up and down, with soooo many downs, but we’ll expand on that in the next post. I too have sung in groups, choirs, I lead praise and worship and most recently I was learning to choir lead. One of my happiest places to be is doing or being surrounded by music. Take that music away from me and I couldn’t tell you who or where I would be. My blog literally says ‘It’s what makes me, me’, yet most of what I’ve written about is only on the loss of my mother. I’m not sure I know who I am without that or music.

I could tell you about my accomplishments. How I sing, write, am a photographer and videographer. How I have two degrees with my masters being awarded at 24. I could tell you how I’m a proud aunty of 4 rugrats; two boys and two girls who are definitely all aunty’s babies. I could tell you I work for the council in their SEND department and got promoted last year to a coordinator. I could tell you I love to host and I’m always having people at the house. I could tell you about all I do and have done, and I guarantee that most things could be linked to my mum.

For example, I take pictures and videos because I can tell my childhood through the pictures mum took of me. I’ve always loved that fact and wanted to recreate that in my life. Right now I love videos, but I’m still here for a good picture. Mum also graduated and worked as a social worker and now I work for the same council she worked for, in a similar kind of role to hers. This one wasn’t even intentional, but the fact that it happened and even how I originally got the job, is a bit mad.

Taking it back to the question though, losing mum made me who I am today even with the parts I still need to work on. I let it hold me back a lot and keep me from actually living, but now I’m actively trying to change. Break the coping mechanisms and survival instincts and be a better person. Me even writing these blogs and answering these questions is huge, because I’ve definitely let out more than I usually would. And on this here World Wide Web?? Goodness me. I’m trying to trust more and not have so many walls up. I still really struggle with the talking thing, but the desire to change that is way bigger than it used to be. Mum missed most of my life and the pain of that has definitely sat with me and moulded me. I actually remember sitting on that stage in the gym at church, making a list of all she was going to miss;

• Finishing primary school
• Starting secondary school
• Finishing secondary school
• College
• Uni
• My first job
• Relationships
• Marriage
• Kids

So many milestones without the one person I’d want to be there the most.

Even in my brokenness though, I really do hope I’ve made her proud and have still been the light that I was to her. I haven’t let this pain and grief completely take over my life, and for that at least, I’m proud.