How do you respond when you feel emotionally vulnerable with someone?
Well trust and vulnerability go hand in hand, so if I already struggle with trust, you can imagine how I do with vulnerability.
It has taken me a very long time to see the strength in it, and yes it’s something I want to be able to have, but for the most part I’ve definitely seen it as a weakness. I’ve spent most of my life feeling like I always had to be strong and have it together, and vulnerability is definitely not that.
Emotional vulnerability is literally defined as the willingness to let yourself be seen – especially in moments where you don’t feel strong, polished, or in control. Key words, ‘be seen’. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve clearly let people into my space but it’s usually always been to a point, practically holding people at arms length so I don’t have to share too much. For example, telling people ‘I’m fine’ when they ask me how I’m doing has always been my immediate response. I’ll happily tell you I’m fine with a smile on my face, even if I’m feeling the complete opposite. You might even question me on how I’m feeling again, because of your own disbelief in my answer, but trust and believe I’ll double down on how fine I am. Might even show you some teeth.
Because what if I do let you in and be vulnerable, what if you hurt me? Better yet, what if you leave? If I never have to open up, I never have to know. I can keep the relationship in a comfortable box and keep my heart safe. Because I care a lot. Sometimes I think I even care too much. What if I let myself love you and you break my heart? Like who would wanna go through that again?
Can you hear my overthinking brain?
I may have actually gotten to a point before now where I was ready to start talking about Mum and how I felt about it all. Because let’s be honest, that trauma is the basis of most of my issues. But then I would overthink my way out of it, mainly because I didn’t wanna bring the mood down or bother people. At the time, I was definitely gonna end up in tears and didn’t wanna be a blubbering mess in front of anyone, including my family. Even now, I’ll prefer to struggle by myself than tell you what’s going on and let you help me carry the load. It’s taken me a long time to learn that I don’t always have to be strong, and that the strength can be in sharing, even if it feels messy or confusing. These days I can get so hung up on whether I’m articulating myself well. I’ll talk too fast and rush out the words. Sometimes even getting frustrated with myself because of that. This then usually leads to giving up and shutting down. But I’m also learning that it doesn’t have to be perfect when you’re sharing with the right people. They’ll be patient and care just as much as you do.
To answer the question though, my initial reaction is to shut down. I’ll typically do everything to avoid me having to be vulnerable. Say very little as possible and keep it cute. Emotional vulnerability is something I want to confidently have, but when I feel that with someone all my worries come to the front of my mind. I’ll overthink and question everything, think of worst case scenarios, and in some cases, not fully believe that person could really genuinely care about me. That ‘allowing connection even when there’s a risk’ has definitely been hard for me to do, but I’ve really been trying to get out of that. I’d like to think I’m not as bad as I used to be, but I still have a long way to go.
Like a time last year when I was literally told off. I kid you not. We were coming back from a music night and I was quiet for most of the drive home, because of a situation I’d had with some of my friends. In the car I was repeatedly asked what’s wrong and each time I shut it down, simply saying ‘I’m fine’. Finally at my house. Engine gets shut off and I’m asked again. Silence. Because now I’m not gonna tell you I’m fine again, but also I kinda do wanna say now. Eventually I open my mouth, say in not so many words what was bothering me and why. I was then asked why I didn’t just say that in the first place because I was asked, several times too. But in my head, we talked about it already so why would you wanna talk about it again? And then I was told off. I was told if I’m being asked, I’m not being asked for the sake of it, I’m being asked so I can share and the sharing is wanted. This probably doesn’t even really show much change or might seem so simple, but there was definitely a time where no amount of questioning would’ve caused me to break. Plus most of my life has involved even the smallest bits of vulnerability being avoided. That feeling of wanting to share would’ve been shut down so quickly, I would’ve forgotten about it. And it absolutely never woulda come out.
Being open and vulnerable is something I never really did until I went to uni. As I said, I would avoid it and no one apart from my cousin really pushed me to do otherwise. Until uni.
I met my best friend there. Let’s even start with the fact that she declared herself as my best friend before I even considered it. Now, we were close. If she wasn’t at my place, I was at hers. We met in second year in the gospel choir. Didn’t live on the same campus, but we were always together. She was very clearly my best friend, but as for me actively voicing that out loud? Never crossed my lips. Because again. I kept her at arms length, so when she did leave, it wouldn’t hurt too much. You’ll notice I even said ‘when’ because this is exactly how my brain has worked. Straight to the negative.
But she’s still here till this day and I wouldn’t change a thing.
She and several others have been very instrumental in my growth in this vulnerable world. I’m probably still yet to fully let go, but she’s definitely shown me that I can. My big sister is another one. This one be out here singing about the 9 months she carried me. She met me at like 9. She ain’t carry no one but the Rugrats running behind her. As for me though, she’s always shown me unconditional love that I’ve never had to question, and is another safe space that I’m so grateful for.
I could go on and on about specific people who are helping to heal me, and show me the strength in being vulnerable. Last year in particular was a huge year for that. To bring it back to the question again though, my initial response has been to shut down and keep it cute. This has even been the hardest question for me to answer. Every other question has practically flowed, but this one. I was so close to scraping it. But I’m learning to be more open and comfortable with sharing when it’s not cute, or perfect, or if it’s just simply a mess. Because vulnerability is a source of strength that allows trust and connection.
Especially with those you love.
I eat cake 