Words of encouragement
If you got this far, I really appreciate you. No lie, because this is definitely a heavy topic and I’ve said a lot. At this point I’ve written a book because 8 questions?? Madness! Ask me these same questions in person though and see if I don’t start stuttering. In fact, the AY program these exact questions came from saw me big bawling, barely able to get through answering two. Kiss. My. Teeth!
As you can probably tell though, I hold a lot in including the pain losing mum caused and over the past 2 years I’d say, it started to get a bit too much. Especially towards the end of last year. I cried so much and felt sad a lot of the time. I still kinda do now, only now I don’t seem to have as much energy to ignore or hide it. From when my manger has said I’ve changed at work, it’s a problem. I’m just so exhausted in every kind of way.
This ain’t a cry for help or anything though, I’m just being honest. I needed to get out what goes on in my head, and this is the easiest way I know how. That AY popping up with these questions honestly couldn’t have come at a better time. As I’ve said before, talking and being vulnerable is harddddd, so hard for me. But there’s also so much that goes on in my head. I’ve really tried to open up these last two years, but I’ve also really struggled, and I’m not sure if I articulated myself well. Or even handled certain situations with care. Writing it out is definitely way easier for me and there’s no space for me to forget anything. I just may not write it all out, but at least most of it won’t stay in my head.
That aside, I encourage you all to not be like me. Lol. But seriously, don’t bottle up your emotions. It won’t do you any good. It’ll just make life harder because trauma and grief can affect everything, and unfortunately that’s out of our control. Not forgetting, you might bottle it up now and feel amazing, but those feelings will stay there waiting for you to address them. And when you do, the pain may feel like it’s happening in that moment, rather than 2, 5 or 10 years ago. I know because this has been me. Every time I thought of mum was painful because of how much I avoided it. I avoided it so much that I couldn’t even visit her grave. Someone literally had to die and be buried in the same cemetery, for me to even consider it. Last year though was the first time I went by myself. Don’t know how I got there, because it was even on my birthday. But I ended up there, by myself, for the first time ever!
Pain and grief has showed up in ways I wouldn’t have expected, and definitely without my permission. What you do have control over though is how you live with it, and I encourage you all to find healthier ways than I did to do that. My life probably may have looked a little different if I did, but I’ve been so scared and let fear make my decisions for me instead. Alas, the damage is done. The consequences received. I just gotta move forward and learn from it.
There’s these sisters for example, who lost their dad fairly recently. Every so often I’ll see a post of a memory they’ve remembered. Must definitely be bittersweet, but I love and admire their ability to keep his memory alive, even in the midst of their pain. Something I couldn’t get myself to do, but I kinda wish I did. Because the memories of people we love live on in others, and not just in us. Through these posts alone, I’ve had messages of people sharing things they loved about my mum. Memories that till this day still make them smile. That’s a beautiful thing, and something that shouldn’t be hidden.
Secondly, be someone’s support and if you need the support, lean on your people. I too have been quite bad at both of these, but from my personal experience, a little goes a long way. So many people over the years have let me know I can come to them and talk to them. I might not have done it, but I’ve never forgotten. Going back to secondary school for example, when a friend at school randomly let me know I could come to her whilst we were walking home. She was my friend, but we weren’t that close so I never did, but I never forgot and I still really appreciate her for that. I’ve felt so lonely going through this, especially when I was little, but I’m now learning to find comfort in those around me, people who love and care for me. So be each other’s support, all if it’s just going for a drive.
Lastly, give it to God. I’ve had to learn this too. Changing jobs for example. After 3 years, it was time to go! Every day as I walked to the tram I’d be talking to God. It started with me complaining, telling him how I needed to get out yesterday, time to wrap it up and keep it moving. Then it changed to me thanking God, because this was a job I’d prayed for and gotten, and then immediately telling him to wrap it up and keep it moving. Then I added the fact that my annual leave was running out and how we had limited time to wrap this up, and keep this moving. Long story short, I’m now in a job I never thought I’d get, promoted after a year and with a team and a manager I actually enjoy working with. And that is all God, but this experience taught me to just be real with him. I mean he knows it anyway.
That being said, I hope this has been healing for not only me, but for you too. I’m not the only one going through grief. We all go through stuff and at this point, we’re all living similar lives. Not sure if or when I’ll be back. It’s definitely my way of processing, but I wanna be able to write about something nicer, instead of grief or the death of my mother. Or at least a little more of something nice you know. But we’ll see. I could also be back next week with another.
Right now though I’ll leave you with my favourite text.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he will direct thy paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6.
Remember, no man is an island, and God never made us to go through this life alone.
I eat cake 