I read in my devotional this morning that ‘God delights to hear from us’. The key text that was used was taken from Psalm 147:11 which says; ‘The Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope on his unfailing love. I’m sure you can pick up that the main point that was being put across, was that we should make an effort to spend time talking to God because it something that he loves. Easier said than done though, mainly because it’s hard to talk to someone who you cannot see. Instead it can almost feel lonely. In saying that, the Pastor said in church today that darkness doesn’t necessarily mean that God is not there.
He referred to the story of the Crucifixion, when the darkness came over the earth at the brightest point of the day. I don’t know if you know the story but, when Jesus was on the cross, the people that had come to watch were standing below him mocking him. In the midst of all of this, Jesus cried out to God asking him why he had forsaken. He later died and when he did, the Bible says that the veil in the temple was torn in two from the top to the bottom and there was an earthquake. The Bible also describes the day as being thick with darkness. The Pastor explained this as God being there throughout the entire crucifixion. He also referred to Genesis 1:2 which says: ‘And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters’. He explained this as God being on the earth in the form of darkness.
Remember though, this is just my understanding of what was being said. You could however take it that God is only there when there is darkness, and why does he have to be depicted as being ‘the darkness’? That I am yet to answer for myself, but I what I learnt from the sermon is that God is always there. This is technically something that I’ve always known, but I’ve never really taken into consideration. Especially when praying at night before bed. My prayers always involve me asking God to send guarding angels to watch over me and my loved ones at night. I’ve always prayed like God wasn’t always already there.
So why do I struggle to talk to him on I regular basis? I pray before starting my day and before going to bed, but even then, that’s not even consistent. I believe it all boils down to my faith not being as strong as I want it to be. Right now to help me with one of the situations that I am going through, I need to talk to someone. Now I struggle to open up to people, be soft, let people in, let them know what I’m thinking and what I’m feeling. So as someone who believes in that Christianity, the next logical thing would be to talk to God about it. Honestly, he should be my first point of call, but I’m working on that. I’m trying to build that relationship.
Writing this right now, I am literally fighting back the tears, because I am so tired of crying. It’s all I seem to do. But when I don’t talk to anyone about my problems, about what’s really going on, crying is the only thing that I am able to do. I don’t even want to cry about this situation, but it’s hurting me to the core. I don’t know what to do, but I feel like I know what the outcome is going to be. It’s just something that I don’t want it to be. I invested time in this situation, I even removed some of the walls that I have up. Except after all of that, I feel that it was all for nothing, in fact I’m scared that it was all for nothing.
This is why I need to talk to God I need to pray about it and put it all in his hands. I need to trust him let him deal with it. I need to stop trying to do things all by myself. I need to remember that I am not alone, and that there is someone there who want’s to help me. I need to let God have his way in my life. I need to put him first, and lean wholeheartedly on him for everything, not just the bad stuff. Ironically, my favourite text is taken from Proverbs 3:5-6 which says: ‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths’.
I honestly don’t do this enough. I try to control everything and make sense of everything. I’ve tried to keep myself from getting hurt by locking everything out. Anything I feel, anything I’m going through I just bottle it all up inside. I’ve tried so hard to do things my way, but I can honestly say it hasn’t worked out for the best. I’m near my breaking point, and I really don’t want to get there.
It’s funny because before writing all of this, I was listening to a song by J Moss called ‘Trust God’. Beautiful song! I’ll let you in on some of the lyrics:
‘I’ve tried it my way, but it took away all my faith,
I tried to sleep it away, but the pain stayed,
I’ve tried to blend in, but it was bigger than my friends,
You see I’ve tried hard, I just needed to trust God,
I’ve tried hard, I just needed to trust God.
I’ve tried running away, but I never found my place,
Tried staying in, but that was a dead end,
I tried to hide in a crowd, but they almost took me out,
You see I tried hard, I just needed to trust God,
See I tried hard, needed to trust God’.
You know when you listen to a song and it feels like the song was written specifically for you? I’ve heard this song countless times, but I think I only really listened to the lyrics today. It’s almost like God was speaking to me about my life and specifically my current situation. This is not the first time that something like this has happened, but you know when people can be stubborn and just want things to go there own way? Yes I believe that is most definitely me! I honestly don’t believe that I was trying to hear it, like deep down. But that’s not the best bit. Another part of the song goes like this:
‘You’re the reason I’m who I am,
I wanna please you best I can,
It’s something I just can’t understand,
You see I tried hard, I just needed to trust God.
I could go on all day telling you the lyrics, but I think you should go a listen for yourself. It’s a great song. I love it! The point I’m trying to make is that it really helped me to understand my situation. It actually inspired all this writing. If I want to sort out and get through this situation with whatever the outcome may be, I can’t do it without God. I can’t go around living my life without God anymore. Don’t get me wrong, God has always been a part of my life, but as I got older I would say that he stayed in my life but very much in the shadows. That’s where I put him. And with the things that are going on in this world we need God more than ever.
There are so many sad things that are happening in the world today. Just the other day the we woke up to the worst tragedy I’ve heard of in the history of Britain, in my lifetime. Grenfell Tower. I’m not gonna go into detail about it, because I could go on forever. Talking about it, let alone thinking about it just makes me want to cry. To think that so many of those people went to bed comfortably that night ready for the next day, and maybe never woke up. That could have happened to anyone. That could have happened to me. Every day that we have on this earth is honestly a blessing. To go to bed and then wake up to see another day, is a blessing that so many people take for granted. To leave your house and come back safely is another blessing. Life is a blessing, and its God who deserves all the praise!
I’m sure I’ve waffled at times. I hope that you understood where I was going. And if you got anything from this, I hope and pray that it’s the fact that we need to be taking our relationship with God so much more seriously. That this life is one that cannot be lived without God. And that God is there all the time, whenever we need him, we just need to open up our mouths and talk to him. Prayer is a blessing. One that we should gladly receive. We just need to actively do it.
Have a blessed day.
I eat cake 